Another great fact from Chris Kirk; “Did you know that 10 % of the average pillow’s weight is from dust mite feces?”

What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?

You’re too young to smoke!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened all the walking sticks old people use

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 34,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 46,” says the man happily.

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald’s and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “I’m guessing that you’re about 30?”
“Nope, I am actually 46.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your dick for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. I know you’re 46″
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonald’s”.

I went to the doctors the other day because I thought I had something the matter with my eyes. After a quick examination he looked at me, slightly puzzled and said “You’re going to have to stop masturbating I’m afraid.”
shocked and quite upset I asked, “Why?”

“Because I’m trying to check your eyes.”

A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, “Excuse me, but didn’t you see the sign that says NO DOGS ALLOWED?”

The dog says, “Well, I’m not just any dog you know.”

The barman says, “Yeah, and what makes you so special?”

I’ve married loads of women in my life.

Not surprising really, seeing as I’m a vicar.

I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.