Robs jokes

Maths class

February 4, 2012

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

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The Crossing

December 30, 2011

A man was trying to cross a busy road with no luck. After about 15 minutes another man walked past him and said, “Why don’t you try round the corner, there’s a pelican crossing.” The first man replied, “Well I hope he’s having more f**king luck than me.

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Little Tim

December 29, 2011

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s [...]

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How immature are u?

December 14, 2011

On a scale of 1 to 100 how immature are you? Probably around 69.

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Staggering Dog

October 20, 2011

My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was the family dog. I found it staggering.

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STD results

October 14, 2011

I just phoned my doctor for my STD results. I said, “Hi Peter, do you have my results?” He said, “Yes, it’s not the best news you could’ve hoped for, I posted them yesterday.” I said, “First class?” He said, “No, Facebook.”

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Parking Tickets

October 8, 2011

I went into the fines office today to pay a speeding ticket, the clerk said, “How would you like to pay your fine?” “Cash and you’re not too bad yourself.” I replied.

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Gamblers Anonymous

October 3, 2011

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling. I won shitloads of money and moved to Spain.

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New Restaurant Now Open!

October 3, 2011

I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

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Keep it in the family

October 2, 2011

Incest. A game the whole family can play!

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Wife Swap

October 2, 2011

The bloke next door asked me if I wanted to try a wife swap. “I’m not sure,” I said, “Will I get her back?” “Course!” he laughed “No, then.”

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Wrap it up

October 1, 2011

I ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today. Just to see what it gets delivered in.

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Four Aces Joke

September 28, 2011

I got home very late last night from a poker evening with my mates. The wife was of course waiting up, ready to moan as usual. “Stop!” I said. “Don’t even bother getting pissed off. Pack your bags. I lost you in the poker game. You’re moving in with Bob.” “How could you do such [...]

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eau de toilette

September 22, 2011

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.” The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your [...]

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Made in Theuk

September 22, 2011

Is nothing built in Britain nowadays? I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said it was ‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

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Ruby Murray Joke

September 22, 2011

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That’s me in the korma.

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What you looking at?

September 21, 2011

I broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend the other day, i heard she was seeing someone else.

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Oh S**T

September 21, 2011

Me: Doctor, Doctor I go for a poo every morning at 7am! Doctor: Well there is nothing wrong with regular bowel movements. Me: but i dont wake up untill 8am

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TV Dinners

September 10, 2011

When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

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